Today...

Today I want to cry.

Today I want to cry in relief because the whole morning was a serious of almost catastrophes, but no actual ones.  I fed Christian oatmeal, which he got everywhere, but NOT on his clothes.  We were almost late for school but managed to make it just in time.  We even made it while the car pool line was active.  I put C in his rocking chair in the bathroom with his cup of milk while I was taking a shower instead of the exersaucer since he has been crying in the exersaucer.  He managed to completely flip the rocker over while still strapped in but didn't get hurt.  Almost catastrophes, but not actual catastrophes.

Today I want to cry in pain and in frustration because, after a wonderfully painless year, the week before July 4th, I suffered another spasm and have entered another battle in my war on back pain.  Last time it took a year, physical therapy, systemic pain meds, and a lot of hard work to get rid of the pain. Although the pain meds really helped the back pain, I had 4 months of negative side effects when I went off them so I am not keen to try them again.

Today I want to cry in fatigue because the pain makes it difficult to sleep and I am not getting enough.

Today I want to cry in anguish as my 1 year old son threw up all over the pool deck (AND all over Jim as he was riding on Jim's shoulders at the time) at the swim meet after sitting in the broiling sun for 2.5 hours.  He was in his stroller for much of this time and/or under the umbrella I brought as a parasol but there was NO breeze and I forgot the stroller fan.  I am normally much more attuned to how hot he gets and much more sensitive to it.  Maybe he threw up because it was something viral.  Maybe it wasn't my fault. Right now, though, my heart is breaking because he got over heated and I might have prevented it.

But...

Today, I also want to cry with pride and joy because my sweet, sweet little girl who has worked so hard this season on the swim team finally got her reward.  My goal for her this season was for her to improve her attitude, to enjoy the season, the swimming, the fun and try her best and she did that.  But she went one better and she managed to win her heat of the 6 and Under girls freestyle tonight at the very last meet.  Since my girl never does anything by half, when she was handed her ribbon and realized she won, she screamed her joy to the whole pool deck and then proceeded to cry tears of joy.  The tears were short-lived but evidence of how big she experiences every emotion.  There is no happy and sad for my Katie, only ecstatic and miserable.  I will never forget the look on her face when she realized that she was the one getting the coveted rainbow ribbon.

Today, I wanted to cry, because it was just One. More. Thing.

Today I experienced the full spectrum of life and motherhood from the heights to the depths.  So today I will pray.  I will pray for stamina and for rest and for peace and for healing, for myself and my son.

Today I will also be thankful.  I will be thankful for relief, for almosts, but especially for little girls and overflowing joy.

Here is a picture of Katie sporting her very first heat winner ribbon, the coveted rainbow ribbon!